I'm supposed to leave for Tahoe for a weekend getaway in less than an hour. I spent most of last night in crippling pain, pain that was so severe at times I was crying, or where it took me past the place I could deal and put me into what I can only describe as catatonic shock.
Pain sucks. Pain sucks HARD. My friends and family really wish I would take something for it. Unfortunately, having UC means that pain meds just make it that much worse since as many of you might know, they plug you up. With UC, you don't want anything that screws with what is already screwed up. I've also found frankly they just don't work well. They make me not care about anything, but I can still feel every little pain. I thought about it last night though, as I lay there trying to just get a grip. At the time I would have given almost anything for it just to stop. I had a momentary delusion of even just getting some freakin' Tylenol or the Flexiril I have from a recent car accident. I couldn't get out of bed though. And my sensitive doggies all laid on top of me trying to heal me...sweet, but didn't feel great.
This morning I feel better in the teeniest fashion. I'm upright, woo hoo! I'm about to make a 5 hour drive, but then I can relax with dear friends in a place that I love. Hopefully, the pain will take a vacation too.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Summer Summer, Had Me a Blast
Well, I sure haven't kept up on this blog like I promised in my new year's resolution. I'm okay with that, but I'm sorry for those whom I regularly correspond for dropping off the map.
The last few months have been a whirlwind. My son leapt from being a Freshman to a Sophomore, I became the Drama Booster President at his school, the friend of my son whom I was parenting was given over to state custody after his mom's custody was removed, I had turnover in my staff at work which sucked up a lot of time but resolved nicely with some great new hires, I organized my 25th high school reunion, I enrolled my son in driver's training, and I met an amazing man who has brought a new source of joy and inspiration to my life. There's more but that's the gist. Life, well, I love it. And as you might imagine, all of this also caused a lot of stress over the last few months. Stress = flare ups. I've not been terrible, but not great either. Or not as great as I'd like to be. Humbled and brought to my knees once again by the life that is mine with these illnesses.
I like summer, the way it makes me feel free, free and carefree - just like when I was a kid. I work all summer, and really it's no different than any time of the year. Except that I get this feeling inside when I think about it, like I want to do a little skip and jump and say "hurray!" Where I live, it's not hot in the summer since I live on the coast. We have pretty moderate temperatures which suits me just fine since heat sucks for me and makes my ulcerative colitis in particular flare up significantly. Living near the beach, and surfing as I do, summer brings with it feelings of lounging on the sand, relaxing to the sound of the waves, feeling grounded and at peace. I also love fall which is almost upon us; the smell in the air, the beginning of the holiday season, the feeling of comfort and love I feel toward everything in those months.
As I think of all the seasons, the feelings they inspire, I picture myself healthy within them. There was a time when I couldn't do that. I couldn't picture myself a day ahead, couldn't see myself with my future due to my illnesses. One day at a time. It's nice to finally see myself a little farther ahead than a day, or two...or 150. I think depression is a regular coproduct of chronic illness and chronic pain. I was just talking with a friend of mine about that recently. I consider myself relatively upbeat, and I think most of my friends would agree with that. However, there are times when I sink, and I feel it. And in those times when I feel sad - usually following the reality of a flare up - I also feel insecure. I don't feel whole. I don't feel I have anything to give, and my greatest joy comes from giving. I don't feel worthy. I don't like myself in these times, I don't like the sadness I feel or the ache I have to be held and comforted. I try and avoid talking to anyone until I snap out of it because invariably I'll say something ridiculous. I also don't like the fear I experience that maybe, just maybe, I'll be like my dead sister and my brother who have bipolar disorder. I say to myself, "please don't let it be that. It's just the illnesses making me sad. Well, maybe I should be checked. No, no please don't let it be that."
Mental health disorders are tough, and I've watched it with a front row seat. My sister is dead because of hers - she finally was successful in committing suicide after years of being sick. My brother self-medicates through drug and alcohol abuse. I feel for those who struggle with these oft misunderstood diseases all the time. I take heart in my son who wants to work on schizophrenia and body displacement disorder when he gets older (and of course if his acting career stalls, that comes first.) I think about the discrimination I see every day in my work toward those with psych disabilities, as well as coworkers with the patience of Job helping their severely mentally ill family members. So many heroes among us.
Today I want to continue to feel the freedom of summer and forget the heaviness and toll of chronic illness. I want for everyone to remember how that feels for just a moment, back to childhoold, even the smallest moment where you felt loved, free, and without a care in the world. The only way to feel it again is to remember.
The last few months have been a whirlwind. My son leapt from being a Freshman to a Sophomore, I became the Drama Booster President at his school, the friend of my son whom I was parenting was given over to state custody after his mom's custody was removed, I had turnover in my staff at work which sucked up a lot of time but resolved nicely with some great new hires, I organized my 25th high school reunion, I enrolled my son in driver's training, and I met an amazing man who has brought a new source of joy and inspiration to my life. There's more but that's the gist. Life, well, I love it. And as you might imagine, all of this also caused a lot of stress over the last few months. Stress = flare ups. I've not been terrible, but not great either. Or not as great as I'd like to be. Humbled and brought to my knees once again by the life that is mine with these illnesses.
I like summer, the way it makes me feel free, free and carefree - just like when I was a kid. I work all summer, and really it's no different than any time of the year. Except that I get this feeling inside when I think about it, like I want to do a little skip and jump and say "hurray!" Where I live, it's not hot in the summer since I live on the coast. We have pretty moderate temperatures which suits me just fine since heat sucks for me and makes my ulcerative colitis in particular flare up significantly. Living near the beach, and surfing as I do, summer brings with it feelings of lounging on the sand, relaxing to the sound of the waves, feeling grounded and at peace. I also love fall which is almost upon us; the smell in the air, the beginning of the holiday season, the feeling of comfort and love I feel toward everything in those months.
As I think of all the seasons, the feelings they inspire, I picture myself healthy within them. There was a time when I couldn't do that. I couldn't picture myself a day ahead, couldn't see myself with my future due to my illnesses. One day at a time. It's nice to finally see myself a little farther ahead than a day, or two...or 150. I think depression is a regular coproduct of chronic illness and chronic pain. I was just talking with a friend of mine about that recently. I consider myself relatively upbeat, and I think most of my friends would agree with that. However, there are times when I sink, and I feel it. And in those times when I feel sad - usually following the reality of a flare up - I also feel insecure. I don't feel whole. I don't feel I have anything to give, and my greatest joy comes from giving. I don't feel worthy. I don't like myself in these times, I don't like the sadness I feel or the ache I have to be held and comforted. I try and avoid talking to anyone until I snap out of it because invariably I'll say something ridiculous. I also don't like the fear I experience that maybe, just maybe, I'll be like my dead sister and my brother who have bipolar disorder. I say to myself, "please don't let it be that. It's just the illnesses making me sad. Well, maybe I should be checked. No, no please don't let it be that."
Mental health disorders are tough, and I've watched it with a front row seat. My sister is dead because of hers - she finally was successful in committing suicide after years of being sick. My brother self-medicates through drug and alcohol abuse. I feel for those who struggle with these oft misunderstood diseases all the time. I take heart in my son who wants to work on schizophrenia and body displacement disorder when he gets older (and of course if his acting career stalls, that comes first.) I think about the discrimination I see every day in my work toward those with psych disabilities, as well as coworkers with the patience of Job helping their severely mentally ill family members. So many heroes among us.
Today I want to continue to feel the freedom of summer and forget the heaviness and toll of chronic illness. I want for everyone to remember how that feels for just a moment, back to childhoold, even the smallest moment where you felt loved, free, and without a care in the world. The only way to feel it again is to remember.
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