Wow, 2011 is here and it's been months since I've written. New Year's Resolution: Write Weekly. Share More.
Looking back, 2010 was a great year for me. Many wonderful things happened that are propelling me through a mid-life crisis that I'm entirely enjoying. Of course, my health was up and down. No one ever is magically better with any kind of chronic illness. Also, long hours and stressful work, even though I absolutely love my job, didn't do me any favors in that regard. While stress didn't cause my illness, there is a direct correlation to how it affects me symptomatically and can exacerbate a flare up. So, I use yoga, exercise, reading, and other things to alleviate the stress. And all of that said, I was able to manage things relatively well with some semblance of balance in my life.
So, here we are, January 30, 2011. I went to Sunny Cove today with my boyfriend, watching the waves, the sunset, taking a walk, watching and laughing at the dogs running around on the beach. Holding each other, there is nothing that could take my mind off the beauty of the moment. Except a familiar feeling inside...that is, a familiar, sudden pain in my abdomen announcing the arrival of my sometimes silent passenger - colitis. It's been months since I've felt this kind of pain and even longer since it came on this suddenly when I wasn't at home near the loo. Apparently, colitis needed some attention and it certainly knows how to push my buttons to get it.
Fortunately as this came on stronger, we were walking to our cars. I started my Lamaze breathing, which didn't help at all during childbirth but I find works wonders when you're in the grips of abdominal cramping that is sure to result in the expelling of everything inside. I started to sweat from the pain, trying to refrain from doubling over as I walked. I got to the car, threw myself inside and said prayers that I'd make it home before...well...my version of Armageddon.
I learned a long time ago that these kinds of bouts, the fear of losing it such as this, are what kept me from having any kind of life before I was on Asacol. And I also found I'd live through it - through the pain, through the embarrassment. So, in my car, I just hoped for the best. I was 20 miles from home, which ended up being about 16 miles too long. I also found in the past that I'd rather lose it in my car and deal with it later at home than attempt to get to a public restroom. In these days where most restrooms are locked and many are single stall, I have found that the safety I feel in my car outweighs the dread I have in a public restroom - someone waiting to get in, knocking; picking a place where the restroom is out of order or they won't provide a key without a purchase; looking like a lunatic (or worse a junkie), doubled over and sweating from the pain and asking for the key, to be met only with suspicious eyes. No thanks.
As I drove, I wondered what it could have been that set me off - exercise has in the past exacerbated it, and I thought about working out the night before and working in the yard that day. I also thought about the food I ate - the fresh eggs this morning, the avocado, the new water filter? All suspects as they were 'new' to my routine. Too many choices, maybe I can't narrow this one down. But it gives me something to think about besides the pain that is intensifying. And in the midst of thinking about it, Britney Spears pops in my head. "Oops, I did it again." Seriously. I don't listen to Britney Spears, but this song plays in my mind on just these kinds of occasions.
I used to keep extra clothes in my car for times such as this. I also used to toy with wearing Depends when I was sick and this was a regular occurrence. Neither of these were the case today. So, once home I clean myself up, throw the clothes in the washer, and go on as if nothing happened.
Except...something did. The emotional toll of being sick hits me again. When I'm well, I have a brilliant sense of denial. Times like these humble me again to who I am, what this life has dealt me, and how it impacts those around me. The good news is that it reminded me to get back to writing this blog. So, here I am, talking again in the new year about the journey, for all of you and for me. I'm tired now, spent from the day (literally), and ready to sign off. But I promise you'll see me here at least weekly, sharing whatever is happening. The journey continues.
You are in my heart.
ReplyDelete