Disclosure: Telling others that it won't go away

I've been thinking a lot lately about disclosure. Disclosure about being sick, about having something chronic, about something new popping into the picture and how to talk about it. I've been dealing with this recently with the onset of a problem with my lungs. Frankly, it's something that freaks me out way more than all of my other chronic illnesses combined. My dad had COPD and my mom is currently in late stages of it. They were both smokers, my mom is now on full-time oxygen. I watched my dad die from pneumonia but his lungs were damaged from the COPD. I guess it scares me the most because there isn't an option to just remove the lungs, whereas some of my other illnesses, if push comes to shove, I can take things out. It's scary not being able to get my breath, the one thing we all need to be able to do. Hmph.

I feel guilty telling anyone about it. It's like, 'what else??' Not that anyone has said that, but it's how I feel inside. I've mentioned it to a few close friends, but I've confided the depth of my fear to only a very select few. Maybe I'm superstitious, that if I really say how scared I am that it makes it more real, or manifests it in some way. I have one friend who periodically asks me how I'm doing, and I just tell him that I'm choosing to think happy thoughts....basically, I do a 90 degree turn away from the conversation. I'm building little walls around myself, keeping everyone at a distance. I think if I really let it go I'll completely fall apart. I don't fall apart easily. Maybe it's all the voices in my head I remember from people telling me how strong I am. I don't feel so strong right now, and I don't want to disappoint them.

All of this gets into a bigger picture about how to tell someone you're sick. Chronically sick. My best friends are always there. Most of my other friends understand. My lovers usually freak out. Some people just ignore it. The truth is, at some point anyone in my life has to know to some degree. It impacts my ability to travel, to make plans or see them through, to lead a normal life much of the time. If I don't disclose, the absence of the truth makes it worse for those being impacted....they figure I'm a flake, or I don't want to see them, or worse. It's a burden on everyone who knows. But it's the right thing to do in the end. As hard as it may be, it also lifts the weight a little from me with every person I tell, once I find the way to do it. That's a small part of what friends are for.